rectal-exam-1.jpg Thas’ right, net denizens. The much-touted, new, improved, ultra-spiffy has finally gone live. “But why,” you may ask, “would they bother releasing a kinder, friendlier when the old one was oh-sooo splendiferous?” A good question. According to a recent email I received from the friendly folks at ETS–makers of the SAT, the , and the wildly-invasive and test-taker friendly colorectal exam-o-scope*–

The GRE revised General Test:

  • is more aligned with the skills needed to succeed in graduate and business school
  • provides more simplicity in distinguishing performance differences between candidates
  • is more test-taker friendly for an enhanced test experience

Well, garsh! Who wouldn’t want an “enhanced test experience?” These statements are the standardized-test-world equivalent of “nice personality” in a singles ad. I’m betting the real reason behind the makeover is marketing. Since clear research existed showing the old GRE was about as good at picking out potential grad school divas as Lady Gaga is at choosing an elegant yet refined evening ensemble, ETS was seeking to duck the data. This is much akin to my greet Aunt Dawn (and “greet” refers to the misspelled tattoo on the hairy knuckles of her right hand**) trading in her straining, bedazzled purple sports bra for a camo tube-top and claiming it gives her fresher breath while eliminating unsightly back hair. Any first-year teacher can tell you that gumption, moxie, sticktoitiveness, and plain-old-fashioned sweat have more to do with making an excellent student than knowing the meaning of words like brobdingnangian and mephitic or being able to find the smallest prime number between 121 and 130.

Consider, Good Reader, how can grad schools compare the old GRE scores that some of their applicants will be tendering for admission to the revised GRE scores brought in be others? They must be in some manner equivalent, no? In fact, ETS has been sending grad school admissions peoples (God bless ’em) tables on how to compare the two. If they’re comparable, how can one be that much better than the other at picking out ideal grad school candidates. IMHO, they cannot.

They’ve even changed the scale to help underscore the vas deferens between the two tests. See the helpful video here. Enjoy the collegiate and vaguely pompous soundscape.

* This device is not actually made by ETS. Perhaps because it actually works.

** The left knuckles spell out “KISSR”.

© Cody Blair, All Rights Reserved.
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